she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
