Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
