if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
