I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Do vagina's smell?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
