I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My vagina just clenched in fear
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