My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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