i was born a porn star she said
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
