Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
