My friends, they love my intelligence
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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