so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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