The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
