I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just pee around me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
