So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
