Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
