im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
