Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
