I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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