mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
