Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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