I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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