I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
