I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
