He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
