I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
