I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
