Where is the hickey?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
