Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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