Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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