went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
