i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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