I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
