Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
