My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
