So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
