My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
