Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
