I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Randomize