I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
