On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
