So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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