guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize