Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
