so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
