I wish I could teleport
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
