I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
