Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize