I CAN MOONWALK!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
