Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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