The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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