I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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