I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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