hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
my poor anus
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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