At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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