im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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