I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
